Who saw the trailer for Cirque du Freak: The Vampires Assistant during last summer’s COMIC-CON? I was so impressed with the cast list and the sneak-peeks that I just had to read the book to bide my time until the film was released. And I was not disappointed … too badly.

The Vampires Assistant by Darren Shan is the second book in this series so I supposed you should get a quick synopsis of the first book, right? In Cirque du Freak: The Saga of Darren Shan, Darren and his friend, Steve, visit a traveling freak show. Eventually, Darren finds himself in a position where he must sacrifice his mortality in order to save the life of his friend. To do this successfully, Darren must become a half vampire, fake his own death, and be buried alive. HEELLL NO! When he emerges he realizes the extent of what his life has become and how he must count on his guardian, Mr. Crepsley, a full-vampire, as his only companion and teacher for the remainder of his existence. He is totally devastated, and completely resents the older, wiser vamp for causing his “condition”.

In the The Vampires Assistant, Darren has a lot to learn about what he has become and how to live with it. Unfortunately, Mr. Crepsley is the only one able to teach him. After a short stint on the road and away from the Freak show, they realize that “home is where the heart is” and return. Darren finds that there really is a lot to learn and many myths to be disproved about his new status. One thing that he is having trouble complying with is drinking human blood. Death is not instantaneous if he refuses this imposition but it is eminent. Slow, but definitely eminent.

This short read is packed with a plethora of interesting characters who find themselves in many fascinating situations. It is a Freak Show, after all! There is a Bearded Lady, a Wolfman, a Snakeboy, and much, much, more. This new, strange world is old hat to the Freak Show residents and so becomes the norm for Darren as well. He finds a true friend in the Snakeboy, Evra Von and together they find themselves working as a team and escaping various thrilling adventures unscathed.

There are twelve books in the series and they are all labeled as being in the “young adult” genre. The same genre as Twilight so I thought I was safe. However, in my opinion, these books are meant for a much younger audience. I would say 10 to 13 yos would get the most enjoyment out of them. That being said, I can completely get behind the idea of making this book into a movie! The characters and their exploits promise to draw a huge audience. I’m giving the book 3 outta 5 pumps, taking two away for under-achieving its potential in the young adult genre; but still, I express my excitement for its potential on the big screen.

Are you on the Team Jacob side of the fence? If so, you were on my mind when I picked up this book! But unless you are completely obsessed with wolves and enjoy uninteresting characters, I doubt you will become fascinated by this storyline. Shiver by Maggie Stiefvater is based on your average boy-meets-girl scenario. Except the boy, Sam, is a beautiful yellow-eyed werewolf, and the girl, Grace, is the most boring character to enter the world of text!

This young adult book begins when Grace is attacked by a pack of wolves as a child. She is taken into the woods where the pack proceeds with what appears to be an attempt to kill her. To my disappointment, they are stopped when teen-wolf Sam carries her to safety. Grace eventually recovers from the attack and comes to know Sam as “her yellow-eyed wolf” who protectively watches her from the woods behind her house. The mundane back and forth stares between these two continue for what feels like forever with an occasional touch of fur sprinkled in for good measure. Yawn… exciting stuff, huh?

However, one day it is rumored that Grace’s classmate has been killed by the wolves, so a hunting party gathers to take down the wolf pack and, of course, Sam is caught in the cross-fire. Sam shifts into human form and finds himself naked and injured on Grace’s back porch. And I’ll just warn you, it took 60 pages to get to this part! Chinese water torture is more appealing than struggling through pages and pages of lackluster plot! C’mon Mags where’s your creative bone, girl??

Anyway, after Sam shifts into a human, naturally he and Grace fall in love. What’s not to love? He’s smart, creative, and oh-so-sexy! And this Vixen has to give it to Grace for snagging some sweet lovins from her wolf boy when the situation popped up! Get it? Popped up?? As a side note, I am very proud to reveal that I read this part of the book twice! Oww! And because Grace has parents that barely notice her, she does everything she can to keep Sam in human form. You see, when the cold temperatures arrive, the werewolves “shed” their human form by shivering and remain in the woods until the warmer season returns. Yet, readers learn that Sam won’t be turning back into a human again. So Grace and Sam do everything they can to hold onto each other and their love.

Unfortunately, even in the good parts, I believe that Stiefvater failed to capture the audience with her narrative. She could’ve had a great novel under her belt, but she missed out on so much, which made the storyline just slightly okay. I give Shiver 2 ½ pumps. I’m taking one away for Grace and her lame-ass-ness; another away for the mind-numbing supporting characters I didn’t care about; and half of a pump away for the plot that barely maintained enough spark to keep me reading.

Can I say how incredibly excited I was to read Bram Stoker’s Dracula? It is the literary work of art that started it all! There would be no Twilight or Edward Cullen without the Grand Pubah that is Dracula! I am grateful to its existence for that reason and believe it deserves a high level of respect for never going out of print since its debut in 1897! 112 years of longevity, baby! Oww! However, I found myself conflicted between the longing I’ve always had for the more romantic and simple era and my modern expectations of what a horror story should be.

The seven main characters in Dracula, minus its namesake, form a union to eradicate the evil that is the ‘undead’ and all that it has infected, to include England. After a young and beautiful acquaintance of theirs is struck down with a strange blood disorder, or so it’s believed to be, they make this their sole mission. The two most distinctive characters were Dracula and the mentor-hero, Dr. Abraham VanHelsing. These are the only characters that Stoker takes the time to give detailed physical descriptions of! He even bestows his own first name to the good doctor. After much research, Dracula’s character emerges out of the history books and is brought back to life based on a real fifteenth century Wallacian warrior prince, aka “Vlad the Impaler.” So Drac’s not from Transylvania, people! Stick that in your Trivial Pursuit and sit on it!

If you consider yourself a bit of a ‘Nosey Nelly’ and would just love to get your hands on your neighbors mail or your daughters diary, you will love the fact that this entire novel is written in the form of personal documents ranging from journal entries, to news articles, to even telegrams. This form of writing does chronologically jump around, but also gives you various characters perspectives of the story line.

There are many editions of this book in print. I read the version that includes a Foreword by Elizabeth Kostova, author of The Historian. She drew inspiration from Bram Stoker’s Dracula in writing her novel and I was convinced of her deep love for this story. It was extremely interesting to read her interpretation of Stoker’s thinking behind his writings and how it may have all tied into his own life experiences. The Foreword may have actually been my favorite part of this book!

I give Dracula Three, Three Vixen Pumps! AH AH AH AH! (Okay, bad “Count from Sesame Street” impression, just couldn’t let THAT opportunity pass me by?) I have to take one pump away for the lack of suspense. Back in the late 19th Century, readers considered this novel overly suspenseful but it just doesn’t measure up with today’s expectations of the genre. I took another pump away for the difficulty in reading the various European accents (albeit, comical at times) and English dialect that was common in Victorian England.

If you’re looking for a series to capture both the male and female audience, The Black Dagger Brotherhood is it! This series is filled with intense action scenes, light-hearted comedy, and the kind of sex scenes that leave your tongue draggin the pages and heart racing at each climax. You smellin what I’m cookin?!

The Black Dagger Brotherhood is an erotic, paranormal romance series by J. R. Ward. This chronicle surrounds six vampire warriors who are bound by brotherhood and sworn to protect their race against the Lessers: de-souled humans who threaten their kind. This ongoing war between the Brotherhood and the Lessers is your typical good vs. evil scenario with romantic love stories intertwined. Each book is focused on a specific warrior and his saga, yet the ensuing war drives the plot to thicken with each book; coincidentally, so does the warrior’s ‘size’, if you get my drift!

The setting of the story truly adds to the excitement, as it takes place in the heart of modern-day Boston, giving it that dark and edgy feel. The depiction of the surroundings gives the reader an eerie sense of anxiety throughout, especially when the Brothers are out on the prowl, hunting for their next victim (or love interest, whichever it may be). Whether they’re in a trendy downtown club, or a hoity-toity suburb, the author’s choice of location is perfect for each scene.

The vampire warriors in the Brotherhood are totally entertaining and deliciously tempting! J.R. Ward had me rolling at the hilarious repartee that goes on between the warriors throughout the series. She also does a great job of capturing the essence of ‘man-talk’; none of that cheesy “Fabio” crap that sometimes interferes with your sexual fantasy, errrr (COUGH)… I mean visual representation of the story. This author should win a prize for her ability to create characters that embody every girl’s ‘dream man’ six times over! I’m not going to lie and say that I fell in love with these beefy man-treats, but I definitely fell in ‘lust’ with them! The steamy sex scenes had me literally coming up for air afterwards, and panting like the ‘Twigar’ I am! Raaawwrrr!

The Black Dagger Brotherhood is definitely a series I would recommend to any vampire loving girlfriend of mine. It will keep you thoroughly entertained for weeks since there are nine books altogether. If I’m being honest though, the individual storylines do get a bit predictable by book three. But I’m not your Momma, so let’s not pretend that you’re going to be reading these books for the plot! OOOWWWW!!! NAUGHTAY! So with all that in mind, I give this book a 4 outta 5 Humps…I mean Pumps! Yes, four incredible, everlasting Pumps! Whew! Anyone got a cigarette?

Tall, dark, and handsome. These are the typical criteria for most women looking for the real-life men who star in their dreams. In the Midnight Breed Series, by Lara Adrian this wish is granted and even magnified over and over again with each turn of the page. This series offers up another perspective on vampires; they don’t sparkle, they don’t drink the blood of animals, and they certainly aren’t teenagers! Instead, Adrian’s vampires are gorgeous, dangerous, erotic, and statuesque warriors referred to as the Order. These men are the ultimate protectors who take the law, and their women, into their own hands.

With the Breed collection, I enjoyed how each book followed a different member of the Order, and introduced a new female love interest. Every volume delivers several no holds barred, juicy, and scintillating love scenes that left me aching with pleasure and yearning for more. If you’re needing to release some pent up sexual frustration, Adrian certainly delivers the goods! On more occasions than I am willing to admit, I actually released several “mmm hmm’s” while reading these steamy sex scenes. I kept imagining how very different our world would be if these bad boys were the real deal. Oh, and if you have a thing for men with tattoos, just wait until you envision these handsome vampires in the buff; their body markings are beautifully described and incredibly spectacular!

While the love stories and the interactions between the vampires and their mates are quite prominent in this series, it is not done in a cheesy or degrading manner. Adrian’s female characters are very strong-willed, and gifted women in their own distinct ways. Each would be welcomed in with the Vixen crowd any day! With each book, I found myself relating to these women and agonizing over their mistakes and celebrating their bravery. In addition, the love scenes are well-balanced out by adding some hearty conflict between “good and evil” along with the Order’s desire for justice to be met.

Now, let this serve as your warning: The Midnight Breed Series is not intended for young adults! If you’re looking for sparkling, self-loathing vegetarians, don’t come here! Adrian’s warriors are wild, unashamed animals in the sack and trained, blood thirsty assassins on the streets. She gives her mature readers what they want: vampires, sex, action, and details! Now, I’m by no means a prude, but the language does become quite vulgar due to the testosterone charged characters. Also, only 6 of the 8 books are currently out, so there is definitely more of our Breed Boys to follow! Because of these little annoyances and minor inconveniences, I have to take one pump away giving this great series 4 out of 5 pumps!

The Sookie Stackhouse Series, by Charlaine Harris is an absolute MUST READ for vampire lovers everywhere!!  BE WARNED though—The vampires in this exciting series are not like the swanky, glamorous, vegetarians that you find in Twilight.

The Sookie series takes place in the fictional town of Bon Temps, Louisiana; a backwoods, redneck location.  At first I was taken back by this setting, allowing my bias for the usual sexy, urbane vampires take over.  However, once I got to know the delightfully-tacky people of Bon Temps, I completely fell in love!  Their tendency to resemble what most people would call “typical trailer trash” surprisingly became the heart of my enjoyment.  The setting truly adds to the unique charm and continuous comedy in the series.

The readers enter on a BANG, starting with a news broadcast of a scientific breakthrough among the medical community.  You go on to learn that the Japanese have invented a synthetic blood substitute, TruBlood, in hopes of alleviating the demand for human blood donors in hospitals.   Of course, the secret race of vampires see this is as opportunity for them to ‘come out of the closet’ and announce to the public that they are real!  They go on to claim that this new invention of TruBlood will enable them to live among society with humans, on account of they won’t have to kill anymore to survive.

The nine books continue to revolve around the adventures of a barmaid named Sookie, who is anything but your average girl.  Sookie has the gift of telepathy, though she refers to it as her disability.  Relationships are not easy for Sookie, as she is always aware of what everyone is thinking.  But something happens the day she meets her first vampire; Sookie discovers that her disability doesn’t pertain to this recently “outted” race, and with that she finds the peace of mind she’s been longing for.  As her relationships grow with the second-natured so does her status among them.  This humorously presents just as many challenges as benefits.  Sookie’s uncanny ability to attract danger at every turn helps form the series overarching plot which will keep you constantly entertained.

Vampires are not the only fictional characters introduced in this series; each book holds new surprises and enticing drama to boot.  The character development is flawless, allowing the reader to really appreciate each individual’s circumstances.  Charlaine Harris has an incredible knack for using humor during moments that would seem too intense to most authors.  Using heavy sarcasm, she is able to maintain a light hearted feel even during the darkest hours.

In reading these books, you get to experience Sookie’s many exciting escapades in which love is formed and lives are always at stake!  It’s definitely my favorite adult vampire series thus far!  I give this series 5 outta 5 pumps for being full of imagination and unique flavor.

I was “roll my eyes” suspicious, to say the least, that this young adult novel would be worth my “sophisticated woman” time. I mean high school romance, vampires, etc. Even the aesthetics of the words on the page had an elemental “largeness” about them that said, “How old are you, Piper?!?!” But, before I knew it, Stephenie Meyer’s novel, Twilight, had me enthralled! I hadn’t read a book that quickly in ages! The main theme that I took away from Twilight is that there is a fine line between good and evil. But, no matter what, love endures and wins over all adversity, even if that adversity comes in the form of your true love.

Enter Edward Cullen!  This character draws from the typical “bad boy” persona that all the good girls (and bad girls for that matter, including this one) absolutely CRAVE, and he’s a vampire to boot.  Nothing sexier!  My raw draw to Edward was based on his inability to fight the “thirst” he has for Bella.  There is no greater turn-on than a man who has no power over his need for the woman he loves.  However, she also arouses his blood lust, and that adds an air of danger to their budding romance.  Needless to say, you can cut the sexual tension with a knife. It drips off the page. Yes, it’s drippy sexual tension, the very best kind.

This book’s easy writing style and “falling in love with a vampire” story line made it a seriously fast read. Don’t get me wrong! There were times when I’d get to a part where I’d throw my head back and laugh to myself with embarrassment that I was reading this book about high schoolers. But I think that was more of the label I put on the book from its reputation of being young adult. The appeal definitely crosses the age barrier between teenagers and adults. It’s written from Bella’s perspective,  so it’s very easy to fall in love with Edward right along with her. There are aspects not only of new love and romance, but also of danger and self-sacrifice. I was intrigued with how this fantasy has such a strange way of fitting so nicely into a real setting. Once I was finished, I felt a genuine ache for more. I missed Edward and the love between him and Bella.

While I was “roll my eyes” suspicious when I first picked up this novel, now I’m “eyes rolled back” in love with Edward. I give Twilight 5 outta 5 PUMPS! Definitely HAWT, Baby!

If you’re an Edward fan like me, then New Moon may leave you slightly sour on account of its “severe Cullen deficiency”. Stop Googling ladies, it’s not a disease! I’m talking about the lack of a certain sparkling vampire with great hair and a dazzling smile. (Insert heavy sigh here) Our lovable Cullen’s were missing from almost the entire book, in fact, they didn’t make a significant appearance until the last 100 pages! I cry foul to that SM!

On a good note though, where the story lacks in “brooding vampires”, it totally makes up for with wolf-charm! The Quileute tribe and wolf pack were an exciting addition to the story. I found myself getting completely sucked in to the tribal legends explaining the history of the wolves, which were passed down from many generations.

New Moon provides us with some of the best emotionally charged scenes in the series. The pain that Bella feels when Edward abandons her is extremely well written; totally capturing the type of heartbreak and misery a teenage girl would experience when losing the love of her life. I found myself on the verge of cursing Edward for all that gloom. So, if you’re an emotional wimp like me, than get the Kleenex ready!

Bella maintains her annoying charisma throughout the story, while Jacob turns out to be surprisingly decadent in all his wolf-charm. The relationship that develops between Bella and Jacob in New Moon was very passionate at times, leaving me wanting more. Though part of me felt like I was betraying Edward until I quickly realized that with Bella and Jacob together, I could have McSparkle to myself! NAUGHTAY!

New Moon introduces some new and intense characters towards the end of the story: the Volturri. This clan makes up the oldest of the vampire race and are the keepers of the vampire justice system. It is in Italy, at the residence of the Volturri, where we finally get our glimpse of Edward again. ABOUT TIME! This is where the real drama begins and the story really takes off.

Reviewing this book presented many challenges for me in that my favorite character (Edward) was missing for 3/4’s of the story. At times, i found myself losing interest and wondering when the hell he was going to return to the story, rather than giving my full attention to Jacob and Bella. All considered, New Moon may be filled with heart break and sorrow, but the struggle through the first 500 pages turned out to be worthy of the last 100. I give New Moon 4 out of 5 pumps! 1 pump taken away for its lack of Edward appearances.

My favorite book of all would’ve been Eclipse if it hadn’t been for Breaking Dawn. Eclipse is the most developed book thus far because I truly felt as though I knew the characters inside and out. Also, by this time most readers have chosen sides; Team Edward or Team Jacob? Is there really a contest?! I don’t know about you, but I’m a big fan of self-loathing boys who sparkle! Also, to say the least, this book pulls at your heartstrings in both directions. It leaves the reader feeling completely and utterly exhausted and even, dare I say, sexually aroused! That’s right ladies; hold onto your knickers because it’s like THAT in Eclipse!

In the third book of the Twilight Saga, Bella’s desire to be changed into a vampire takes over every rational thought in her mind. Trust me, if I had my very own Edward I would’ve found ways to pounce on his face until he bit me already! Someone really should have given Bella a lesson or two in manipulation! Still, her persistence does become annoying in this book but I think she was quite justified in her irrational vampire-crazed state of mind.

Then of course, there’s Jacob. Ugh, his name alone makes me shudder. The sexy, tall, dark skinned, hot-blooded Quileute-slash-werewolf boy who is infatuated with Bella, is still around to complicate things in Eclipse. Even Edward can’t blame the kid for his persistence and devotion! One thing I can appreciate is Jacob’s sarcasm and charisma; he’s quite refreshing and even welcoming in contrast to the other more dramatic and somber characters like Jasper. If you’re like me, and there isn’t anything romantically enticing about Jacob, just you wait! Out of the entire series, Jacob is part of the steamiest, most passionate, pleasurable, and that’s right, wettest romantic scenes! He will surely get your blood boiling and make you crave a cigarette afterward… Whew!

Ah, and of course it wouldn’t be a Twilight book if it weren’t for some bad guys. The fight scene that ensues in Eclipse is Stephenie Meyer’s very best in the entire series. The battle lines have been drawn and the reader is surprised by the players on the Cullen’s team. But with the steamy love triangle and endless choices that Bella needs to make, who really cares about vampires coming to kill her?! Let’s get back to the scene in the tent with Jacob and Edward shall we? Bring on the good stuff, baby!

This third book is a fantastic read! I couldn’t have been more pleased with the creativity and energy that went into the storyline. The reader feels captivated by the characters, and longs to accompany Bella on her journey to discover where her desires will lead her. I give Eclipse 4.5 out of 5 pumps, because it was one of the best books in the series, but I had to take away half a pump for Jacob, and not my man Edward, having the sexiest scene in the book.

Sigh… we can’t believe we’ve finished all of the books!  What are we going to do without HIM?!  Breaking Dawn, the last installment in the Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer, was by far the best of them all in our consolidated Vixen opinion.  Bella and Edward’s relationship comes full circle, and she gets what she’s wanted all along.  But is the price too high?

The story was full of sexual innuendo and mouth-watering teasers!  YES, they finally DO IT!!  HELL, it only took 3 books, 1,690 pages and 422,500 words to relieve that palm sweating, heart racing, sexual frustration!  Although, we realize this book was written for a younger audience, it didn’t stop our lower lip from turning down at the lack of details given about their seemingly incredible mattress mambo!  I mean come on, what TWIGAR wasn’t hoping for super juicy, window-steaming details of exactly which way they did it and how many times?!  Nevertheless, when we finished throwing our temper-tantrums, we had to acknowledge that even with the lack of ‘steam’, SM delivered an incredibly written story about two lovers willing to sacrifice anything for love.

There are so many new characters introduced in this story, from the new members of the wolf pack to entire family branches of the Vampire race.  Each new character is gifted in their own diverse way and truly adds to the storyline.  Jacob of course, maintains his obsession with Bella, but the readers are finally enlightened as to why their connection is so strong.  This revelation is shocking and quite disturbing to say the least.  Edward remains his perfectly dreamy self, stealing our hearts all over again; while Bella finally becomes the woman she was meant to be.

We give Breaking Dawn 5 outta 5 pumps because of the great conclusion to an even greater love story.  But beware!  The twists, turns, and surprises will leave you sleep deprived and late for work!

While reading Twilight did you ever think to yourself, “Bella is so naive and immature! I wonder how a grown up would think or act in this position?” Well, you’re in luck! The soon-to-be fifth book in the Twilight Saga, called Midnight Sun is Stephenie Meyer’s finest, yet unfinished work, because it’s the Twilight story from Edward’s perspective. He is what the series is all about anyway, right? Now, I know what you’re thinking; “Why in the hell didn’t Stephenie put this out instead of Twilight?!” Your guess is about as good as mine! And as great as Twilight has done, I think Midnight Sun is going to do just as well.

In the beginning, we discover that Twilight is about the relationship dynamics between sparkley vampire hottie Edward, and the average human teenager Bella. However, what Stephenie Meyer offers in Midnight Sun is the realness and the urgency behind Edward’s obsession with Bella. Every awkward moment is clarified, and just when you think you can predict Mr. Perfect’s next thought, he offers up a surprisingly different side of himself. Because the other books are written from the perspective of Bella, I don’t think that they provided an equally authentic depiction of the essence of Edward. Every self-loathing moment that crushed my heart, and every romantic scene that made my loins call out to him for more is magnified and enhanced brilliantly.

Even though this book is only a draft, we hope that Stephenie Meyer has every intention of finishing this project one of these days. While part of me thinks we should all cut her some slack for delaying the release of this future literary masterpiece (that’s right, I said it), the other part of me thinks, “What are you waiting for, you crazy woman?! You’re depriving me of the very thing that gets my blood boiling!” Sigh, well for now, I guess I’ll have to stick to staring at the pictures we have posted on For All the Stupid Lambs and dreaming about MY Edward coming to life in the written word again very, very soon.

At this time, I predict that some of the very best parts of this book will include more character development of the Cullen family. We are given a small taste of this during the short 264 pages of the current draft. But I think we’ll get much more of Carlisle, Emmett, Alice and the gang, than we ever had imagined! Additionally, I think this book will be far more romantic and heart-pounding than the sometimes weak and fragile depiction that Bella offers up. Based upon what I have read, I don’t want to rate this book quite yet, because I don’t think that’s fair to the author and her characters. However, prepare yourself, because this book will leave you wanting more….

Midnight Sun cover art courtesy of artist Richard Solis